Justice for Judge Elihu Smails

Full disclosure: I am a hopeless fanboy for the Boomer school of humor that culminated in the movie Caddyshack. Many threads came together to produce that classic: Second City Toronto/Chicago (Harold Ramis et al) and Harvard Lampoon (Doug Kenney et al) were perhaps the main schools of the rising insurgent New Humor, but the writers also reached back to find sympathetic (Dangerfield) and antagonistic (Ted Knight) icons from the previous generation to set up the main tension.

In my youth I OBVIOUSLY sympathized with the rebellious faction in this movie, which was exactly what its authors intended. But, as you age, the heroes of your youth sometimes lose their haloes: witness Hunter S. Thompson (raging destructive but amusing narcissist), John Belushi (slow amusing suicide), Frank Zappa (not exactly a team player), etc. I could go on. But my ongoing review of my comedic and cultural obsessions has recently led me to the blasphemous thought that MAYBE Al Czervik, the immortal character portrayed by legendary Rodney Dangerfield, was the actual VILLAIN.

Few agree with me that other icons of my Generation X — Ferris Bueller springs to mind — were absolutely insufferable. I always hated Ferris Bueller and I know this is not an original thought, but I always wanted to punch his face. The cringiest moment that motivated my implacable hostility to him was at the end of the movie when his loving parents come in to his room to check on their child whom they thought was sick, and he mewls and postures like an infantile innocent. Shithead. Fuck Ferris Bueller.

Judge Smails is just a regular city elite. Maybe, at one time, he was a regional figure, but here in his retirement or near-retirement years he just wants to enjoy the prerogatives of being a “Good” guy who paid his dues (“The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for, Danny: Goodness? Or BADNESS?)

Danny, without question, wants to be a good guy. But, confronted with institutionally strong Judge Smails’ petty dishonesty, he begins to reach out to other personalities like the trust-fundie Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) and a figure who anticipates a Trump-like capitalist archetype in the person of Al Czervik (Dangerfield). Incidentally, Trump is cool for the same reasons Al Czervik was cool, which is why liberals hate him. But this led me to consider: is it possible Al Czervik evil??

So mind you: the Establishment in 2022 is decidedly Marxist. A Judge Smails in 2022 would be sweating some noxious oversight from the Circuit Court DEI Commissar who is pursuing him for hiring too few BIPOC LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ’s, and some HR personnel who are following up on an allegation of MICROAGGRESSIONS from a disgruntl’d ex-employee who had trouble showing up to work on time. Or at all. And Judge Smails spreads his cheeks and takes the high hard one from them kind of meekly, then turns around and kicks the dog or complains to Porterhouse about the shoeshine on his golf shoes. So a Czervik/Trump figure these days would have cred because he is The Punk Rocker this time round.

Short of slapping an injunction on Czervik’s condominium development, what is Judge Smails action plan, given the skill set of a judge? Well, it is clear that the anchor from Seafood (Dangerfield) was tortiously and negligently the cause of the loss of the property of the judge’s boat The Flying WASP. Likewise, several claims can arise from the negligent operation of the Seafood, including material losses resulting from the collision with the band on the raft. Looks like the drummer lost a beautiful late 60’s orange metal flake Gretsch kit (who knows what kind of tasty cymbals) and the rest of the band equipment, repairs to the raft, etc. I believe Porterhouse, peacefully fishing in the path of the rampaging Czervik’s Seafood, has several chiropractic bills to pay given the chronic pain and PTSD from being almost run over and drowned, and should get the largest Ambulance Chaser firm to pursue numerous claims. It is a goldmine for regional plaintiff’s attorney firms at Bushwood. Smails could coordinate the whole thing. In 2022 we would call that Leverage, but the original Mayor Daley would recognize it as a variant of CLOUT … from a connected guy against this Slavic-sounding nouveau riche disruptive dude.
I guess according to the Dungeons and Dragons paradigm, Al Czervik is chaotic neutral. Some good, some bad but brings the chaos. Danny is lawful good moving to chaotic, and the Judge remains Lawful Neutral the whole time, yet preserving a shred of dignity cloaked in rampant ridiculousness. Ty Webb is — as he admits —

Cut to the chase, ignoring huge sections of Caddyshack 2 as anathema, what happens next?

It is easy to grin

When your ship comes in

And you’ve got the stock market beat.

But the man worthwhile

Is the man who can smile

When his pants are too tight in the seat.